Cut the Crabs

I'm finally over it enough to talk about it, that time I got the crabbies.

"Use a Condom or Masturbate" - Poster for
a safe sex campaign in San Francisco.
Flashback to this early phase in my sex life. I've recently broken up with my boyfriend but we’ve stayed close, with travels in between. Technically single the whole of last month I’ve been screwing around like a madman. Even with this guy from msn last week who must have been scratching his crotch everytime I wasn’t looking.

Now I’m sitting here on the couch and my ‘ex’ is kneeled down in front of me. No, he’s not blowing me to try and revive our flame; he’s holding a magnifying glass, wearing the eyeglasses he never wears, and scrutinizing my pubes. Plunging his nails under every infested hair pulling out each crab as I look away in disgust.

A glamorous sight indeed. Though in this moment of despair, he meant the world to me.

The little brown dots on the kleenex sheet next to me. They're starting to move around. They're live insects that were just there hanging on my pubes feeding on my blood. A whole bunch of them like a virus infection. They’ve even laid down eggs that are about to hatch. In French, ‘morpions’ reminds of nasty sex jokes while ‘la gale’ sounds like middle age diseases like ‘la peste’ or ‘la rage’. I feel like the dirtiest man on the face of the earth right now. I’m gonna puke.

To make things worse, I must have had them several days already, even though it's only today that the itching became so unbearable, enough for me to tell my ex I suspect something. So I must have contaminated that other hookup from two days ago. He will be cursing me next week.

If crabs are a common episode in many gay guys’ early trials and tribulations, and relatively manageable, they forced me to face the reality of random gay sex and sexually transmitted diseases and infections. Here was one for me with horrendous names to cope with like crabs lice or scabies, and that even the condom wouldn’t stop... one you can only prevent by being 'pickier'.

But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger now doesn’t it? Well I’m glad I killed the little bastards that time around.

-Post, pic by GiB#2


  1. Congrats on the swift recovery.
    My friend had a serious STD scare. She turned out to be healthy but when her f*ckbuddy told her he had an STD, I had to console her for days before we found out. It's a terrible experience I wish no one to go through.

  2. Your ex is an angle - a suggestion I heard from a friend when he caught it, put up with a little bit of pain and sugar your pubes off.

  3. Je suis surpris que la phtiriase soit aussi répandue au Liban...bonne guérison et fais attention !

  4. phtiriase?? encore une horrible terminologie!

  5. Great storytelling skills! your writing is very good.

    I once had the same problem when I was studying Chinese in Harbin in my early 20's. Fucking scary stuff! What made it worse was the fact that I had absolutely no idea what they were, and I was really freaked out. I ended up going to a witch doctor down a weird alley in the middle of the town, who told me to shave EVERYTHING and put this concoction of thick black liquid over the entire region 6 times a day for a month. I did it once and it was absolute agony. The black tar was like acid and had I done the full treatment according to his advice, I'd be penis-less right now i'm sure!


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